Determination

My dear, this is not for you, it’s for my soul…

 

I’m gonna use this happy bubble that I’ve been into the last few days to write something, ‘cause fuck it, it’s almost 4 in the morning, and…you know…4 a.m. is the time magic usually happens. Screw my sorrow, and my ex, or maybe we can leave my ex out of this…I’ve screwed him long enough to know how he’s in bed. Damn, I was a fool in love! But now even my happy dreams with him have a bitter taste. Yes, I still dream about him, ‘cause when you are in love it’s like you’re on heavy drugs and when you didn’t take your doze for 2 days you suddenly find out that you’ve had cancer for the last 2 and a half years and suddenly you have to undergo a complicated surgery, or chemotheraphy, or worse – both…doesn’t matter the process, I know for sure that at the end of that surgery and those hours of theraphy, you wake up, you look in the mirror and find a completely different person looking back at you. You find a pair of dryed lips in the place red lipstick used to glow and highlight that bright, bright smile…A flock of messed hair carelessly tied up replacing those majestic curls that used to bounce with every step your high-heels walked to her target – another man that captivated those fierce, deep sparkles in you eyes. And now? Now, when you look at yourself in the mirror, you see nothing more than hollow instead of sparkles. ‘Cause that’s how you feel when the love snaps out of you, darling…like you’ve had cancer and you’re on chemo. And that’s how you look like, a miserable person that even a street-person would outclass. 

But, my dear, the two essential differences between cancer and love is that, first, when you have a disease you want to heal from it, and when you’re in love, you want everything to be the way it used to be, you even wish to die because it isn’t the same anymore. Well, the second essential difference is that, cancer can kill you, love…love itself, doesn’t kill you. Just makes you stronger. Even if in that moment, and the next day, and the next months, even years, you feel like dying every single morning you wake up, and instead of your loved one’s face, all you get to see is an empty pillow beside you.

But enough with the drama talk…Everybody who’s been in love knows this shit, even you, my darling! But I bet that not everybody knows that, when you’re in love and been deceived, when you wake up in the morning next to that pillow, you have to hug it like you would want to kill somebody with your arms, and say Damn, this feels so fucking good! And you know why? Because now you have all that freaking space for you, and more importantly, for your ego. Because you can be lazy, be crazy, be you all you want to be! Because it’s not your plans for the two of you anymore that’s on the top of the list, it’s you on that top, riding that number one with your big ego and high heels. So what if you have an empty pillow? Buy three more! Or even better, buy a dozen of them, you’ll definitely need a lot for yourself, you, and your ego. That’s what you gotta do when hollow’s in your eyes and sorrow’s in your soul….redifine, refind, rebuild yourself from scratch. Put that red lipstick back on those lips, and no, they don’t need to smile, not even to fake it, because you don’t fake happiness, you don’t want happiness on your face again, you want determination. Happiness can wait until you feel like taking a break from the baddass-hardcore-bitchy personality that you’re modeling right now. And make list, yes, a list of why you need that sparkle back in your eyes and what you want to do to keep it burning like it’s a wildfire. Lists are cheesy, but trust me, they do their magic…just like 4 a.m.

 

To be continued…

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